I Wanted

For my lovely boy, may you always remember my love:

I wanted to write you a poem.

But couldn’t start,

Because the words, the words

They dropped away

As soon as I thought of them.

Integral threads engraved

In my mind, in my heart.

With unshakeable love -

Words always fail,

Fall flat,

Their vigour pale -

A faded comparison.

Then I realized

Your whole life was a poem -

Invisible ink etched into time.

Slinking out with your curious face

Inquisitively looking into mine.

You found me.

With sleek, soft grace

And a daredevil side

Showing me that living

Instinctively takes guts – and -

As alone as I felt

I never was actually alone.

Did I take it for granted

How many times

You bounced back?
Hope's unspoken expectation.

Energy uncrushed

While I was a mess of tears,

Dread, staying-in-bed

A stress-ball-of-angst

Stretching covers over my head.

But you -

Resiliency, an understatement.

Your spirit untouched.

That last phone call

Time’s pieces rushed,

Flew backwards,

Forwards, crushed,

Stopped.

My mind, the room,

Blank, sterile, holding its breath;

White, silent, and thick

As after a heavy snowfall.

It cannot be processed

Like some sick dream.

I don’t want you to be afraid -

I am afraid.

Do you know?

I memorize your eyes

Pools of liquid gold,

Two amber flecks

On the right side.

For the first time I notice

My own reflection,

Your pupils, deep like mirrors:

Revealing our connection.

Time aches and eats

But gave us so much.

You lay your head down -

A gently curled paw.

Are you safe now?